Soon

I know there's someone somewhere 

Someone who's sure to find me soon 

After the rain goes there are rainbows 

I'll find my rainbow soon 

Soon it won't be just pretend 

Soon a happy ending 

Love, can you hear me 

If you're near me 

Sing your song 

Sure and strong 

And soon

- Thumbelina

Live Epically

Have you ever wanted to fight for what you believe in, to carry a quest so important that all rely upon you to complete it? Haven't you wished that life was actually more than it seems?

Why do we love stories like Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Braveheart and The Patriot? It's because we all long to be a part of something bigger, something so important it trumps all else. Working at an office, going grocery shopping and cleaning the bathroom are so insignificant yet we take them as main responsibilities. There is no big story, there is no cause to fight for... or so we think.

How many times have you imagined yourself in the place of Frodo Baggins? What about Harry Potter or Hermione? Even Spock or Captain Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise? All of these characters have a destiny to carry out, even if it means death.

Where did this fascination and love for these stories come from? Maybe we are made for more.

C.S. Lewis author of The Chronicles of Narnia, wrote "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Lewis created new lands, new races, and new stories because he believed that the human race was made for more. We weren't made to stress out over taxes and our next promotion. These things are insignificant compared to what we should be committed to. With a fallen world, our destinies have become less than noteworthy. Most of us are just happy to make it through a day of work. Many just want to leave the world having made it a little better than when they arrived.

What is important to you? Is there something you would fight for?

I feel God is calling us to live an epic life. One that gets our heart racing, a life that causes others to know that we are doing something big. Imagine a world where people don't sit on the couch but get up and carry out their promises, dreams and quests.

We don't have to slay Ringwraiths or defeat He-who-must-not-be-named. I challenge you to find something you truly believe in and go after it.

I believe God wants us to be who we were meant to be. I don't want to be caught up in this world and miss my chance for an epic adventure. I want to live it. I want to carry out His will and be part of something bigger than myself. I want to be my own Frodo. I have a destiny to fulfill and a job to do.

Answer the call in your heart. It's there, and you feel it when you hear stories. You were meant for more.

My heart's longing

I desperately desire to be the heroine in my own epically beautiful story.

2010: Please Bring Me Happiness

I wasn't going to write a summary of my 2009. Overall it was pretty bad. But honestly, a lot of good things happened this year, and I would be remiss to not mention the good. I've found that focusing on the positive is something not a lot of my friends and family do, and I want to stop the bad habit with me. I've done pretty well these past couple of years turning my attitude about life and myself around.

This year, I took two Conrad Fink classes and managed to score A's in each. I got A's on 5 out of 6 term papers for this man, and I've finished my Fink "requirement." I feel lucky to have met, spoke with, and learned from this expert of a man.

Also this year, I've realized that my writing is my "thing." It's what I do best and what I need to use, not just for myself but for others. I've realized that my passion is to inspire others with God's message through my writing. I want to change people's lives, or at least the way they think about things.

I have also changed the way I think about things too. Or rather, my experiences have. I used to be so judgmental about those who do not do things the way I do. I can't completely escape my prejudices, but I have made room in my heart for those behaviors and people I don't understand. Who am I to judge? Am I without sin? How could I know what it is like for them if I am not in their shoes? I feel that throwing "dirty labels" onto someone is not Christlike and prevents me from helping or loving them like I should. I thank God for opening my eyes so that in the future I'll be able to help rather than hurt.

Instead of giving up at the first sign of failure, I've learned to work harder. At one point this year, I felt like I was worthless because I did not get recognized for my hard work. In fact, I was told my work "killed" me. I was out of commission for a few days, constantly thinking about my failure and when the time came around again to prove myself worthy of recognition, I hit it out of the park. When it seems I am not good enough, I must push past it and prove that it's not true.

Lastly, I've learned that family is not just those who you are related to. Family is those you love and care about, regardless of where they live, what their last name is, and what they do for a living. Family extends beyond blood and relation. I've found that my family extends beyond these things. My family makes my life richer in every way.

I hope 2010 is a good year. I hope that more happy events happen and God guides me in the right direction. I wish this for all of you who read this. May God bless you and keep you in 2010.

At This Point in My Life

October is usually my favorite month, when I'm not desperately seeking relief. What I mean is, I should be having fun, but I'm not. October offers so many fun things. Fall carnivals, pumpkin patches, cool weather to enjoy, and Halloween. Sadly, I am not finding any time to enjoy it.

This may be the worst semester I've ever had. I'm not going to go into specifics, but my school work is almost impossible to do. I can't force myself to do the things I need to do. I have no problem reading for my English classes, but I cannot start on my papers. I feel their eminent reality pressing my shoulders down. I feel like I'm swimming in a room full of files and I can't see the exit.

Not to mention the money problems my family's been having. Mom's got nothing, I've got nothing. I feel bad for even asking her for a few dollars for groceries. The government just won't cooperate either with her support checks and is a bitch (excuse me) to deal with my education benefits. I've had to call the government way more than I should have to this year. It's depressing and upsetting to think that there's money to be had and it's being held.

I am ready. I am ready to go home. Not 1241 Parkwood Chase. No. I mean Heaven. I'm ready. Take me now God, because there's nothing I want to deal with here. Nothing is worth it. Why the heck would I want to live in a world where everything is about money and sex? Why would I want to stay here, where nobody understands my heart and constantly judges me? Nothing can compare to Your grace and Your love, so why should I bother trying to find something similar here?

My fish is dying. My dog Sarah just passed. I won't allow myself to start on my papers. There's so much more. I can't see the light at the end.

I don't care if things will get better. I know they will. But there's always going to be something. There always IS something. Something that kills my soul.

Yes, I'm being pessimistic. Yes, I'm being dramatic. But it's how I feel. Period.

I hope to God that I am able to see a better day. I pray that He really does have a promise for me, for what have I done?

Thought Vomit.

Even though I have decided to write a serious post, my mind wants to run around and avoid the thoughts I have to type out. It's like trying to catch a toddler to give them a bath. It involves a lot of chasing, hiding, and splashing.

I see it even in my conversations with people. I make light of things that have more weight to them. I say, "I don't know," or make it seem like it's not a big deal, that I'm not serious about what I do. I'm not sure where this strange attitude has come from, but it's here.

Nonetheless, I feel like I have to write about what's really bothering me...maybe because I can't talk about it.

Ever since I was 13, I felt like I had some kind of talent in writing. I noticed it after my dad died, and kept going with it. I figured that I'd like to write for the rest of my life and never thought about doing anything else. If I couldn't make money writing creatively, I'd make it in journalism. Besides, I really liked writing about issues and seeing my name in print.

I worked hard through high school and worked my butt off at Kennesaw State. I left there with a 3.8 and transferred to the University of Georgia to pursue my dream of becoming a journalist. It was the place I had aimed to go for years. It was my ultimate goal. It may have seemed small to those going to private universities or ivy leagues, but it was my plan.

Now that I'm here, I often wonder what the hell I'm doing here.

I thought I was doing well last semester when I got A's on all of my Fink term papers. Now my second class with him, I feel like a failure. Sure, I got a B on my first paper of the semester. A B is good. But it's not good when you've made an A+ on three papers before. It's not good when Fink (master of news writing) says "your writing kills you."

Your writing kills you.

The one thing I know I am good at, kills me.

I am not multi-talented like a lot of people I know. I cannot sing, I cannot draw or paint, I cannot master an instrument, and I cannot do a good number of things. All I know how to do is write. And of course, I cannot even do this very well. But for it to have ruined my paper... kills me.

I know that Fink is only trying to help me and teach me how to write better. I understand this. I just don't understand how I could go back in time in regards to my writing. Maybe it's because I'm taking two English courses? Whatever it is, I need to fix it.

....

What am I going to do with my life? Do I want to write for a newspaper? I'd prefer not to.
Do I want to write for a magazine? Sure, but it'd have to be something important to me and to a lot of people. I couldn't write about fashion forever... I don't feel like it's important enough.
Do I want to be an editor? Yes, but I want to write too.

I want to be able to be creative with my words. I want to be someone people listen to. Someone people get inspiration from. I don't want to be stuck in a city council meeting hearing about an ordinance that is to be passed. That's just not for me.

I thought to myself today, "am I one of those girls who don't know what they want?" The answer was "yes." I don't really know what I want for myself, but at least I know myself.

God my music is annoying the crap out of me.

....

Like I mentioned before, sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. I only have one other friend here besides Jenna. Bless Jenna, she's included me so much in what she does with her friends. I don't think I'd be as content as I am if I wasn't her roommate. But I haven't made any friends on my own accord. What is it that stops me from talking to people, branching out? Melissa is one of my good friends, but I don't see her a lot.

Sometimes I feel so alone. Do I really only have two friends here?
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I have only been here a little over a year. I have no connections here other than school.

....

As you can tell, I have no answers for anything.

No matter what I write here, I still feel like I haven't fully explained my feelings on anything. As if words could describe the aching I feel sometimes.

Warning.

Oh have I got a blog post coming.