Thursday, October 22, 2009

At This Point in My Life

October is usually my favorite month, when I'm not desperately seeking relief. What I mean is, I should be having fun, but I'm not. October offers so many fun things. Fall carnivals, pumpkin patches, cool weather to enjoy, and Halloween. Sadly, I am not finding any time to enjoy it.

This may be the worst semester I've ever had. I'm not going to go into specifics, but my school work is almost impossible to do. I can't force myself to do the things I need to do. I have no problem reading for my English classes, but I cannot start on my papers. I feel their eminent reality pressing my shoulders down. I feel like I'm swimming in a room full of files and I can't see the exit.

Not to mention the money problems my family's been having. Mom's got nothing, I've got nothing. I feel bad for even asking her for a few dollars for groceries. The government just won't cooperate either with her support checks and is a bitch (excuse me) to deal with my education benefits. I've had to call the government way more than I should have to this year. It's depressing and upsetting to think that there's money to be had and it's being held.

I am ready. I am ready to go home. Not 1241 Parkwood Chase. No. I mean Heaven. I'm ready. Take me now God, because there's nothing I want to deal with here. Nothing is worth it. Why the heck would I want to live in a world where everything is about money and sex? Why would I want to stay here, where nobody understands my heart and constantly judges me? Nothing can compare to Your grace and Your love, so why should I bother trying to find something similar here?

My fish is dying. My dog Sarah just passed. I won't allow myself to start on my papers. There's so much more. I can't see the light at the end.

I don't care if things will get better. I know they will. But there's always going to be something. There always IS something. Something that kills my soul.

Yes, I'm being pessimistic. Yes, I'm being dramatic. But it's how I feel. Period.

I hope to God that I am able to see a better day. I pray that He really does have a promise for me, for what have I done?

1 comment:

  1. Aww honey. I just randomly logged onto check out blogger updates and I'm honestly glad I saw this. Not that I'm happy for how you feel (obviously). I'm quite saddened to hear that you're going through a rough time like this. :(
    I *do* want to say that I understand completely where you're coming from. I'll private message you on facebook, okay?